Honesty really is the best policy. And I'm not talking about the advice we give our children. I'm talking about grown-up honesty. I'm talking about honesty with oneself. I'm talking about self-awareness that only comes with age. I'll be honest with you, now that I've been honest with myself. I've been in a bit of a 'twist' lately, and I thought I'd share some of my discoveries.
First, what I found lurking in my kitchen drawer will shock and horrify many women. Most of all my own mother. When I saw the long alien-looking sprouts protuding from the new potato I couldn't believe my eyes. I'd never seen sprouts this long on any potato, much less one of mine. Immediately, I knew this was the potato my husband was referring to when he mentioned buying the 3lb bag of new potatoes as opposed to the 5 lb bag. Clearly the deep kitchen drawer hadn't been opened in awhile. Before you judgmental hussies start forming opinions let me say that we have a fabulous, and I do mean fabulous, housekeeper. I applaud myself for the hire. My husband applauds her for the cleaning, scrubbing and refreshing she gives our home twice a week. So, you can imagine my surprise when I found a rotten potato in the center of my sparkling-clean kitchen. After retrieving the alien-looking new potato from the top of the drawer, I looked into the drawer more closely. Ugh. I saw a clear plastic bag. Oh no, I felt slightly sick at my stomach, what is it? I have to get it. It's my responsibility. I braced myself for the mushiness...yep. A baked potato. Not mushy. No long sprouts...just gumball, spikey-looking spheres all over its potato body. Good God, I thought, that is gnarly looking....
After finding the potato I've thought a lot about how my simple failure to open the drawer led to the gnarly sprouts growing and growing and growing. I walk by that drawer many times a day. If only I had thought to open the drawer. But I've been too busy.
The business of life has contributed to my 'twist.' You know, just realizing, accepting and understanding that life as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and professional will continue to be very busy whether it's soccer season, summer, football season, or Christmas. If I'm going to find myself in a 'twist' whenever life is busy....well, then I'm in a perpetual twist. And I don't want to be in a twist forever. Webster's dictionary defines twist as "to contort or distort; to confuse; to spiral; to revolve or rotate; to wind, as a path does; writhe." The twist I'm referring to is a period of self-awareness. See me--twisting--turning--I'm pretty much inside-out trying to figure out who the hell this woman is today. Our oldest daughter's march toward adolescence was the impetus for my personal twist. [side note: Aunt Sammy if you're crying at his 4-K graduation, just wait until you're shaving armpit hairs.] My age--I'm turning 40 next January-- I'm sure has contributed to my twist. My personal twist has been a process of embracing myself as a woman who is entering her 40's. My personal twist has led to my accepting myself in spite of mistakes I've made recently and those made long ago. Part of the twist I've been in is a result of acknowledging the hurt and pain my parents failed marriage caused my sister and me (and them) and burying that hurt so it doesn't affect the way I feel about myself today, 25 years later.
Finding the rotten potatoes catapulted me into reality about the twist I've been in. What the fuck? I asked myself. What am I doing? I mean, the fucking potatoes are right under my nose...just open the drawer and throw them out. It is what it is. Nothing more. Nothing less. Rotten fucking potatoes. You just open the drawer and throw them out. My responsibility....ok, John could've opened the drawer and thrown them away but we all know if John opened that drawer he would've closed it quickly...knowing that I would clean it out.
Open the drawer Mama.
You may be shocked and amazed at what you find lurking in the drawers of a freshly cleaned kitchen...but honey it won't be any worse than what I found lurking in mine.
Next time, other discoveries I've made during my personal 'twist' including breathing and surrendering.